


Coping with Darkness

by Fabulous_Fan_Fables



Category: Keeper of the Lost Cities Series - Shannon Messenger, Original Work
Genre: Ableism, Angst, Blindness, Break Up, Character Study, Chronic Illness, Disability, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Instability, Minor Violence, Original Character-centric, internalized ableism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:40:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27829129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fabulous_Fan_Fables/pseuds/Fabulous_Fan_Fables
Summary: Grizz is an elf living in the lost cities, and one day he finds he is losing his sense of sight. This is his journey on finding peace within himself, and with others.
Relationships: Original Male Character/Original Male Character
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Coping with Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags for additional warnings.

The world was spinning. He clutched onto the rim of the sink and stared into the mirror, hyper-attentive of every detail. Well, every detail he could make out. He felt nauseous and dizzy as he noted the murkiness of the background, the loss of details in his face. His eyes looked gray. Why were they gray? He didn't understand. 

"No." Grizz murmured, a tremble erupting in his body, "no, what is- what is wrong with me?" He blinked rapidly as if that would fix the problem, but this only disoriented him further. 

He later learned he had cataracts. Humans tended to get cataracts later in life, or when exposed to blunt force trauma to the eyes. But some elves had genetic faults that resulted in cataracts, and he was distraught to learn his were chronic. 

They had some methods of curing cataracts, temporarily, and Grizz immediately agreed. He laid on an uncomfortable chair as the physician of foxfire poured liquids into his eyes and gave him elixirs for the pain. Grizz didn't know his name, but he seemed nice. After the doctor was done, and Grizz kept a warm cloth over his eyes for several days, he could see. Crisp, clean, perfect vision. 

He cried when he realized he was fixed. But he cried harder later that year when he realized it was failing. He begged any doctor, nurse, physician, or medical professional he could find to fix him. To heal his eyes and make him normal. 

But they could only give temporary solutions. He realized he could live with temporary solutions. Replace his eyes twice a year, live with the slightly blurry vision when it started failing, then get it fixed again. If he managed it correctly, he could live a perfectly normal, elven life. 

But people still looked down on him. He was the butt of several jokes, even when he graduated from foxfire and attempted to become a mentor. The nobles he talked to, since he was a noble too due to his high power, disgraced him. 

He vividly remembered being at the after party of a wedding of one of his friends, and the best man came to talk to him after. The best man asked about his talents, his abilities. He told him about being an Empath, and a Polygot. He spoke in several languages, and even signed off some sign language he had learned as an extracurricular in foxfire. Sign languages weren't exactly intuitive when being a Polygot, but learning them was much easier. 

The best man had laughed, then asked if he could learn about Grizz's Empath ability. Grizz agreed, unsure of how to ask for physical contact. But the best man just smiled at him then snatched his wrist. "What am I feeling?" The best man asked, his grip tight on his skin. Grizz felt the strength of his emotions and answered, "superiority, disgust, and- and violence. Why do you want to hurt me?" He had asked him. 

The best man just laughed and shoved him to the ground, eliciting a yelp and a crowd. "The poor man fell!" The attacker announced, "the blind bastard bumped right into me and fell to the ground, he must truly have lost his sense!" Tears had blurred his vision, and the fall had jostled his sense of direction, so Grizz looked around wildly for where that haughty voice came from. He heard laughter, and no one helped him up. It wasn't even because of his cataracts, he thought to himself as he got to his feet, shaking, it was from that man's actions! 

He never learned the best man's name, and he did not want to. He went back home and continued his life with more confusing emotions than ever before. He wondered what he could do to live life normally, so he could interact with others without fear of being rejected or disgraced. 

He had no solution. No solution other than continuing the treatments and doing his best to act normal. He was flawed and imperfect, but with enough makeup, he could appear normal. 

Unless.. what if he let his flaws show? 

The thought hit him late one night as he lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. Crystalline light from the moon illuminated the room with a haunted glow, and Grizz felt trepidation within him grow. The light felt murky, especially around his peripherals, which certainly added to the strange feel of the night. 

What if he stopped treatment, and let himself become blind? 

Well, _become_ wasn't the right word. He was already battling with blindness, and the fault wouldn't go away simply because he continued treatment. It was chronic, it was long-lasting. He was faulty. 

Grizz shuddered but continued exploring this unsettling thought. He was faulty, and no matter what he did that fact would remain. He would be ridiculed and cast out of the elven societal circles for the fact, even if he did his best to hide it. 

So why not accept that he was tarnished, and be his best self despite it? Why not embrace his flaws and move on with his life? He could stop taking treatments to reduce and restrict his cataracts and live his life as a blind man. That's who he was, a blind man, right?

It was not so simple. He had treatments at his disposal, so ignoring them was purposefully victimizing himself. He didn't have to be a victim. He had ways to help himself. Right? 

That thought remained in his head for the coming months and years. It wasn't until the principal of foxfire rejected his application for a mentoring certificate renewal that he considered it more deeply. The principal told him that, upon seeing his medical records, Grizz could no longer mentor students at the school. "A perfect prodigy requires a perfect mentor," the principal told him, pity lacing their tone, "and I don't believe you can be considered perfect."

He felt many things that night as he light leaped home. He felt betrayed, distraught, upset, shocked, and numb. But most importantly, he felt _angry_. 

Righteous anger broiled in his chest as he sauntered into his home, marching up the stairs and into his master bedroom, into the grand restroom he had inside. He gripped the edge of the sink and stared into the reflection, teeth clenched and body trembling. 

He decided, then and there, he would stop his treatments. Cataracts would not kill him, they'd only blind him. He was just as good as any other elf on this godforsaken planet, and he'd show them. He was strong and determined. He would get what he wanted, no matter what. And what he wanted was justice, for him, and other elves who weren't born perfect, or were messed up later in life due to the cruelty of the elven world. 

He stopped treatment the next morning and began the steps to leading his new life. 

The first thing to prepare he did was buy a spectral mirror. He set it up in his bedroom, next to the bed. As it registered his presence, a face lit up in the corner of the mirror, smiling. 

"I need help." He spoke, blunt, hesitant, and afraid. 

The face gazed at him, "with what? Your fashion sense isn't the worst, if only you tidied up the slight flaws and maybe shaved that awful stubble."

Before it could ramble more about his clear unkemptness, he cut it off, "I'm going blind." 

It stopped, registered his words, then nodded. "I can help you." It agreed. 

So that evening he spent talking to the A.I. and showing it to his walk-in closet, so it could take inventory of what clothes he had and didn't have. The mirror suggested he keep it in the closet with the clothes, so he agreed. As long as it did its job, and helped him get dressed at the start of every day, he'd be alright. Exactly how that would work when he was blind was up for later him to figure out. 

The next step in preparation was to learn the layout of his house. 

This part was a lot more difficult for him. He wasn't one blessed with a photographic memory or even a keen sense of balance. He walked through every room, trying to take in the details. It didn't feel like he was going anywhere with his ventures, especially since his house has 3 stories and many many rooms among the halls and stairways. 

But he persisted. For three days he tried to commit to memory the look and feel of every room. But when he put on a blindfold to test his knowledge, it seemed he ran into every single wall, corner, or piece of furniture. An hour in he tore off his blindfold in frustration, spending the rest of the day moping. 

Weeks passed with slow progress, and as his vision gradually got worse, way worse than he ever remembered it coming to, he realized he had to act with purpose from then on. The time he had before his vision was gone completely was waning with every hour. 

He didn't use the blindfold anymore, opting to just close his eyes real tight as he traversed his home, which sometimes seemed too big for him to properly learn before his sight vanished completely. One morning he woke up and kept his eyes shut for the whole day, going about his daily tasks, falling into a comfortable rhythm. 

And things went well from there. His vision left him, and when he opened his eyes he was met with murky colors and darkness. Sometimes it frightened him and made him feel trapped and claustrophobic, but most of the time he realized this was who he was now. He could cope. He could do this. 

He liked keeping his eyes shut nevertheless, occasionally opting to believe the darkness he relished in was of his choosing, and if he opened his eyes he'd look into clear, crystalline vision. That wasn't true, but it kept the fears at bay while he adjusted. And sometimes that was the only thing keeping him from a debilitating panic attack, especially when alone in his home with no hope of help or comfort. 

Unsurprisingly, the spectral mirror was a great help to his journey. The mirror opted to go by the name 'Sasha', which meant defender and helper of mankind. When she told him this, he had laughed, before agreeing it was befitting of her helpful existence. 

Sasha led him through getting dressed, telling him which clothes to grab and from where, often sounding demanding or strict, but Grizz knew that was all part of her coding. She also repeatedly pestered him that he should shave the stubble on his face, or those 'ridiculous sideburns' but he refused. She dropped the matter mostly, but occasionally hit him with a remark that he would look so much better clean-shaven. 

The rhythm they fell into every morning was an odd one, but he didn’t hate it. He was grateful, even as he searched aimlessly for that specific polo Sasha insisted he wear to the meeting he had later this day. He likely looked like a fool, bumbling around his closet exchanging argumentative shouts between himself and a piece of plastic, and getting quiet heated as he stubbed his toe on a misplaced shoe, crashing into the wall of hung up clothes. But even as he cursed out the mirror in his frustration, he knew the A.I. wouldn’t hold it against him. 

But, other than her, he had no company. His house often felt too empty and lonely, so he tried stepping into the dating scene. As all things were with him, the first lover he took turned out to be a disaster. 

It was a few decades into his blindness, and Grizz met a man at a party. He felt familiar, but Grizz honestly couldn’t care for past transgressions. His name was Axel, and Grizz truly cared for him, until he showed his true colors. 

They dated for a while, but as much as Grizz enjoyed his presence, something felt.. off, about how Axel acted. It all came to a halt one night when the two were in Grizz's home, Grizz entertaining him after dinner with witty jokes and stories from his life. 

Axel laughed, and Grizz felt him move to hold his free hand, allowing Grizz to read his emotions. Happiness, mirth, contentment, and.. nervousness. "Why are you nervous?" He asked Axel suddenly, and the man froze. Grizz just registered his surge of anxiety as Axel tore his hand away. 

"Nothing, nothing," his boyfriend reassured him, quickly, "it's nothing! I uh, forgot you could do that. Never mind that, please. I just-" Grizz heard a sharp intake of breath. "I just.. have a request, Grizzy."

Grizz rolled his eyes at the nickname, before shutting them promptly after doing so, preferring to avoid the strange mix of light he was hit with. "Tell me.” 

"Well, I... I want you to see me." Axel told him, voice soft. 

Grizz felt a spike of pain in his chest, and he scooted his chair back. "Axel, have you forgotten? I am legally blind, I can't see anything past the cataracts." His voice was sharp, and blunt. 

Axel scoffed, hurting Grizz further with his next statement, "you choose to keep them. You could be normal."

Was he serious? Did his boyfriend not hear the bullshit coming from his mouth? It hurt, it hurt him so horribly, but Grizz held back the tears stinging his faulty eyes. "I am normal. I'm not faulty." He insisted. 

"Then tell me what I look like. We've been dating for several months. What do I look like." Axel sounded dead serious, and Grizz started shaking. 

"You're slim... and tall. Taller than me, at least." He tried to remember what he felt like when they cuddled on Grizz's bed those few affectionate nights. The thought of being so close to another elf made him want to blush, but he didn't, "short hair, and you have some stubble on your face and jaw." He remembered tracing Axel's face with his hand, one desperate night, hoping to capture and memorize every detail. It was an intimate memory, and it was starting to taste sour as this conversation went downhill. 

"Liar." The word stung. Grizz tried so hard to be honest, why was he calling him a- "I am perfectly clean-shaven, now. The only perceptions of me you have are from tactile memories and foggy descriptions. And you choose to live like this.”

Grizz grit his teeth. "Fine, you know what?" He stood from the table and snatched Axel's wrist, feeling his surprise, confusion, and wariness. "Follow me." 

He led him up the stairs, to his bedroom. He felt Axel's emotions the entire trip, not really caring to take note. He dragged him through his bedroom and into the walk in closet. 

Grizz pulled Axel in front of the mirror. "Sasha. What does he look like?" He felt the hurt Axel was feeling, and let go of his wrist to avoid reading his feelings further. 

Sasha hummed then explained Axel's appearance, making sure to diss his fashion sense while she was at it. 

"See?" Grizz said, grimacing, "now I have a much better perception of you, but I doubt I'll need it anymore." 

He wasn't even touching him but he could register his unease, "what does that mean." His voice was oddly quiet, his confidence gone. 

"I'm breaking up with you. You care more about how I perceive you than me as a whole. I thought you loved me, flaws and all, but you only loved the good in me." 

The room was quiet, and Grizz could swear Axel was crying. "I- I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He suddenly blubbered, "I wasn’t thinking, I was being selfish.”

"You’re right; you were. I don’t think this is working.” He was met with more intolerable silence. “When you no longer have those horrible beliefs about disabilities, and can respect my decisions, we may be able to try again. But not now. Not today.  


He heard his shaky breaths, then Axel whimpered, "okay. Okay, Grizz. Till we meet again."

And so his now ex-boyfriend walked out of his life, and Grizz was left with painful thoughts and mixed up feelings. 

Grizz's life moved on. He never did regain his sight, as he didn't want to. He never met with Axel again, and he didn't want to. His career was one of solitude, but he didn't want that. So he went and applied at Foxfire again. He wanted to be a mentor, to help prodigies grow and learn important things before they were sent into the spiraling mess of adulthood. 

He, of course, was rejected. The principal hardly glanced at him, scoffing and asking him if he was so petty as to lose his sight simply from a negative comment from them. Grizz told them it wasn't their place to comment on his life. He left Foxfire, and he went to Exilium. 

He fit well with the outcasts and rule breakers of society. He didn't ask to become a mentor, or a coach, or even a helper. He first asked if he could learn what the waywards learn, so he knew what they went through. So for several years, he went through the rigorous training of the Exilium curriculum, learning plenty about natural abilities unrelated to talents. 

He learned to regulate his body temperature, and his telekinesis, and his underwater breathing. Of course, night vision wasn't an option for him, or any other vision-based abilities, but he didn't mind, putting his focus into everything he could develop. He liked focusing on hearing-based talents, so he could pinpoint where people or animals were concerning him. This didn't work on objects, unless the objects made noise, since he had yet to achieve the power of echolocation as a bat did. For objects and terrain, he purchased a walking stick similar to what visually impaired humans used. They also wore darkly tinted glasses, and after buying a pair for himself, he realized just how nice the darkness was in comparison to the murky lights he usually saw. 

Grizz frequented Exilium, Neutera, and other working-class or outcast schools in the Lost Cities. He met many amazing people and many imperfect like himself. He offered his services as a mentor, to any prodigy or wayward who needed it, as he once knew darkness and he hoped to help others learn to cope with it.    
  


The darkness wasn't so scary now, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my tumblr at fabulous-fan-fables if you want. I also have a side blog for my ocs called fab-fan-fable-ocs. Comments are always appreciated, and if you believe I missed a tag, tell me and I’ll add it.


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